That's a good word for this moment as I have spent a good portion of today tense about getting a second session facing the fear and actually writing.
Finally, the tension was too much to ignore and here I am.
I've become more intense as the day moves forward as the number of obligations and people I feel obligated to has increased. The amount of time I have left in the day and the space in my head required to meet these obligations has decreased.
The path I am on in my head is narrowed and constricted to the point that internal claustrophobia is shutting down the parts of me that I like and amplifying those I'd rather diminished. Curt, sharp, mean and uncaring.
The path I want to be on.
It's at the door to the yard. The footprints are still there though the sunshine is melting the white fluff they're made of.
"Do you want to do the bare toes back yard challenge" I asked Cammy, "walk through the yard with no shoes on in the fresh snow?"
She smirked and with a glint in her eye took her socks off and said, "I will if you will!"
Ginger counted down, we opened the door wide and jumped. Not a race, simply a trot into the clouds that had blanketed our back yard. Each step like a pillow wrapped from heel to toe, a hand in hand embrace as two lovers gripped in the joy of closeness. Till the freeze stole the show.
I made it around the yard maybe 30 seconds. Cammy at least 60.
We shivered in the moment and went to the kitchen for something to warm the insides while our toes thawed. Our paths of activity parted and the moment we shared faded into a morning of rest, homework, housework, home repairs, laughter and struggle to function well. Family life it's called I think.
And now, to write. To put in words the thoughts that this head gets full of.
I'm forming a tutorial for a client - but I'm finding myself a bit resentful. Why should I give this tutorial away. Why am I frustrated at the thought of helping someone - when helping and serving is a core part of how I show up?
I answered an email for help. To someone who asked for the same help not that long ago. A simple search in my inbox found the same answer I gave them and forwarded that same email to the same person. Why does my brain have to be occupied by this and consumed by something that this individual already had. But instead of looking for the answer, they asked me to find it for them. Why am I resentful about this? Why does this bother me so much right now?
The system. The "merry-go-round" that I've created is making my gut churn. How do I get off and what can I do to either reframe what is frustrating me and multiply my efforts as opposed to deteriorating my functional being.
a) Capture the tutorial and publish on my business blog. I'm going to do that in just a few minutes. Then I am going to use this as an invite to all my previous clients to demonstrate that I can help them find solutions that will amplify, sharpen and maximize their story online.
b) Customer support. I have a ticketing system built into my billing setup. I've not imagined how to bring outside help into this system fully. It's time to exercise a bit of curiosity and discover what could happen in this arena. I'll post some notes here (and perhaps figure out how to filter my test ghost blog setup to not show certain posts on the home when they contain a specific tag).
c) Lean into the drip content creation process. What if, when a question that is often repeated becomes a series of emails to answer these questions, help clients discover possibilities they hadn't though of and ultimately invite them to go deeper together with me in making their hopes and dreams for their communication progress further. What if? Why not? Let's start.
That would allow my tension and tendency toward discomfort/resentment to be an energy that was service centered and mutually beneficial.
I'm remembering something a friend repeated in his podcast recently, "focus on serving not selling". Good, good point.
Gonna do that now :-)